The Red Badge of Courage - Continued...

You may remember my mentioning that I had begun a soul-searching journey. A journey that I have taken before but as I approach a certain age I felt it was time to embark once again on an inner trip exploring where I have come from and where it is that I want to go. Well I have been traveling. I promised to send you a post card from time to time….

After coffee one morning with Matt It became apparent that I had really not charted a proper course through the back roads of Self Confidence but rather I had somehow taken a sly shortcut through the path of Self Doubt, Regret and Relying on Others for Approval. So after asking for my husband’s approval in some lame-ass and round about way for the 2 billionth time in this 21-year blissful relationship…I set out for a walk.

I won’t lie the pace was brisk and my temper had the best of me. Angry at him for not giving me the answer of “Oh my dear you are always wonderful!” But incredibly angry with myself for dwelling in such a hovel of self-depreciating behavior for so long. I set out with Nina’s iPod juiced up with her latest Halloween play list of spooky but lovely eerie music. I walked out of the little housing tract of suburbia headed straight down the road for this nature preserve/wooded area.

As I deliberately headed into the woods I felt like a child running away from home. “Ha – see if I come back!” I headed into the thicker part of the woods and it actually got a bit dark even at 8:00 am. I began to regret walking that far and thought to myself surely there must be some folks down on their luck that sleep out there at night and well, with the scary music playing, I began to feel very frightened. Still I walked further and instead of turning and ditching I decided to stay with the feelings of fear.

I took the opportunity to think of all the fearful things in my life. All the times that were frightening, all the episodes that I have imagined in my head that scare me. I walked and thought about everything that could go wrong or that has gone wrong in my life. I began to cry at the thought of all of those possibilities and the memories of all that had passed.

Somewhere between the kaleidoscope shadows of the trees and the eerie music I got the idea that I should leave all the misery there. Just leave those horrible feelings in the woods. It really seemed like the perfect home for my low self-esteem. It would be happy there in the woods with the ground ripening and the occasional breeze that rustled the trees in an uncomfortable and lonely way.

It was about at that moment when I felt a tightening in my throat and a clenching in my chest. I thought – oooh this is not a good place for a heart attack – no one knew I was in there and no one would ever find me! So I began to walk faster and I started coughing very hard. After what was an unverving amount of throat clenching and coughing I realized that this was my decision moment and that I needed to simply tell myself that I was through with looking to others for approval. I told myself that I was through looking at my self as less than what I really am – a very strong, talented and courageous woman that is capable and able to make my own way and that I am proud of where I have come to in my life right now with no regrets.

Absolutely at that moment the clenching and tightening released and I could see the clearing from the trees. I wiped away my tears and headed out into the clearing and climbed up the embankment back on the road and back into suburbia. I walked a way and then turned back to see the thicket of trees where I had left my low self-esteem. It was a beautiful place for all the feelings of being “less than” to reside. It made a perfect home for all of my regrets and doubts. I was free walking along the road. With every step I felt stronger and freer.

I had not noticed when I left that morning feeling angry that I had actually set out with suitcase in hand to deposit these old and tired feelings packed in the case. I had not realized that the anger that fueled my steps was my unwillingness to continue in this way for one day more.

I was back on the road to my life with one less suitcase to carry feeling lighter and much stronger.

Getting to the half-way point...

At the risk of sounding like Bridget Jones:

Pounds Lost – 30! Inches Lost – 10.5!

That is a lot of weight for me to lose and I am very happy that I have made it this far. If I have not been updating this blog it is because I’ve been spending most of my free time trying to get in some exercise. I was walking about 3.5 to 4 miles a day but I have taken to swimming laps with my gal pals and we really like it.

I have had many mornings in my life pondering: "What shall I wear today?" Or more likely, "What fits today!" Now I am finding I have the same problem but this time the clothes are way too big! I have gone down more than 2 sizes and have already given away most of my clothes. It is already time to clean my closet out again!

I have taken to buying a lot of things at Target. I realize that this is not the house of fashion, but I cannot bring myself to spend $60 to $100 on a pair of jeans when I know I will not be in that size next month. Lucky for me it is mostly T-shirts and jeans from Target so I think I can get by like this for a while.

I promise to post a good before and after picture of the real me, but I decided not to dilute the effect with a halfway shot so you will just have to wait. I should reach my goal around the December. Oh, and no, I am not afraid of gaining weight during the holidays. I seem to have found a really nice way to eat for life and I really like the exercise too. I am hoping Santa brings me a beach cruiser bike! I still find ways to work in some of my favorite splurges – just not so much. Nina and I had s'mores over the fire pit last weekend and it was way yummy!

It's hotter n blue blazes in the desert

Crazy I know, but we went to the desert - Palm Desert area to be exact to check on some property. We congratulated my buddy Sylvia on her new home there. She is planning to move out there full time, after she sells her house out here. What will she do in that heat? I get a little panicky when it's 115 degrees and I can not get into the air conditioning! We go to the desert a lot but we are there vacationing - at the pool or the air conditioned movie theater. How do you live a full time life in that heat? Oh well I think she could cook up a cute little cactus get up like this one and not worry about the heat!

Put another candle on my birthday cake!

Saturday was my birthday! I had a wonderful day. It was a bit on the indulgent side. I went on a shopping spree! I went to Macy's and made a significant investment in Clarins skin care - I have always liked their goodies and feel that I deserve it at my new mature age. I bought just about the entire line for my skin type (I have always wanted to do that). I must go back for some magic serum thing that will turn me into a hot 20 year old French girl next month - that was the only thing I did not buy. I then went to J. Jill and bought some really cute goodies on sale - how very prudent of me!

Our family went out for dinner at the Fish House Vera Cruz - which I absolutely adore and I indulged in one (1) glass of chardonnay - how very stringent of me!!!! My best buds Sylvia and Majid showed up to join us as a surprise so the night was very fun. I ate my Jenny Craig birthday cake and was surprisingly satisfied. I have lost 20 lbs - well, just 4 0z shy of that but I always round up when it involves weight loss.

Matt got me an ipod and the kids got me some itune cards so I plan to spend at least part of today getting my music thing set up. I do love the ipod!!! I get really into mundane things like housework and exercising with the ipod. It is also great for art projects!

There is one significant difference to this birthday that I discovered on Friday. Nina and I went to the Del Mar Fair and we were having a grand time when we decided to ride some of the rides. OMG - I realized I am sooooo not 20 any more!!!!! That's it for me I am off the carni-rides for good now. All I did was scream and holler! NO NINA, NO NO NO!!! Well, I am embarrassed to tell you that it took about an hour to recover and for my legs to stop shaking. So, no more carni-rides! I just don't do those things anymore. That is how I know I am getting older, and I am ok with that.

They say time flys when you are having fun...

Really, it didn't seem like that long ago that I was home everyday doing the really important stuff like teaching little people how to walk and talk. My Father would visit us and say "This will slip by so fast Kim, you'd better enjoy it".





This is a picture of Bijan taking his first steps. A little shakey at first but he got the hang of it. Check out those late 80' glasses and the spikey do I was sporting!

Bijan graduated from high school Thursday! It really did slip by fast. We are so proud of him - he is such a wonderful son.

My Favorite Artist

It is a great time to share a little bit of my dad with you. His birthday is this week he will be 82! I spent last weekend helping him take some of his paintings to a library in Rancho Santa Fe for a showing. He has a small collection of about 20 paintings there for a month. He shows his paintings but will not sell them. There are more than 70 works at his home gathered like old friends he is not willing to part with.

He has such an insightful way of seeing things. It is surely my favorite thing about him. When I look at art with him he can see so much more in the work than I would have ever picked up on my own. He knows the colors that the artist originally started out with, he minds the brush strokes, play of the light and the particular way the colors are blended. He doesn’t always see things in life the way I see them, but I have learned to respect and appreciate that.

He is an amazing teacher to me. It has been a precarious balance of lessons ranging from what not to do in life, by his own example, and how to pull from within the courage to walk the line that needs walking. The most valuable lessons he has taught me are about the frailty and preciousness of relationships. How they come and how they go. How quickly they can be lost and how courageously they can sometimes be won back, if the timing is right and you are willing to risk and love.

Grace

I’ve been tip toeing through grace. I am in awe of grace. I am inspired by grace. Degas was inspired by it too I think – the movement of women from ballerinas to laundresses. What makes someone graceful? When I think of real grace I suppose I think of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, or Grace Kelly – hmm, I should refer to her by her proper title: Her Serene Highness Princess Grace of Monaco, - now that is graceful!

I have often thought of myself as something like a bull in a china shop. Tromping not so carefully through life. I laugh too loud. I definitely am not afraid to use all manner of four letter words with no concern of whose company I am in. I am usually guilty of talking too much. I sometimes catch myself just as my foot is going into my mouth – but not always. I succumb to the whims of fashion trends to often and you will not find me in a perfect and timeless little black dress, although perhaps after a few more months on Jenny Craig I can swing that.

I asked a dear friend of mine, a minister, if we ever reach a state of permanent grace, a place where we handle all cards that are dealt to us gracefully. Is grace just reserved for the few that are born with perfect hair or size six feet? Is it dolled out in extra servings for the likes of Jackie O. and Her Serene Highness? My friend told me that grace could be found in your recovery time. She told me that we all freak out from time to time, we all go to the zoo some day. Grace can be found in the time and manner in which you recover. I like that. I like that I can be graceful and that I can condition to become more graceful.

But grace can not be suffering in silence. You cannot just keep twirling Swan Lake in your little pink satin toe shoes whilst your toes are bleeding. There must be a reckoning – a little “Come to Jesus” meeting, as an old boss of mine used to say. You have to spread it out on a table and inspect what is not working and get it – own it - and move on. Only the brave can do this, the strong and the well conditioned.

As I step into the gracefulness of my life I am reminded of a quote by Oprah Winfrey, when musing about all of her life lessons that have required graceful acrobatics she said, “Some days I wake up and I say God don’t teach me nothin today!”

As I trip the light fantastic across the room, perhaps a new title for me: Her Graceful Highness Princess Kim of California…