A Call To Worship...

Sometimes on my way home I take the coast. It is just a small step in trying to break out of the grind. I love pulling off the freeway and refusing to deal with San Diego traffic. It makes the drive longer but the view is worth the length of time it takes. I have to admit that I am blessed to live in such a wonderful place. While most of the country is freezing I am blissfully cruising along the seaside.

There is this wonderful little phenomenon that I witness as I head home on this route. The people that gather each evening to watch the sunset – it’s like a passion. I have an hour long drive going home so I pass through La Jolla, Del Mar, Solana Beach, Cardiff by the Sea, Luecadia and Encinitas until I hit Carlsbad.

Never fail are the people that gather every night, every town and at every stretch to watch the sun go down in all it’s glory. They gather in their cars just as I pass through La Jolla, some sit inside and talk on the phone or read the paper until the magic moments. In Del Mar they gather up along a cliff like edge near the railroad tracks and stare west. All along the coast there are joggers that keep pace along with the sunset. There are different glimpses of the sea and each town has a different manner in which people gather. Some are couples or familes, some with their dogs, but I really like the single people who just stand there and stare. I like the fact that this is an important place for them to be. I like that no matter what has happened that day it seems there is always a collection of people willing to bid farewell to this day and it’s daylight hours. It rained this week and they gathered with umbrellas and coats braving the stormy and threatening waves. They are always there.

They remind me to value the ending of a day and the beginning of a new one. They demonstrate for me the ritual of closing and moving from one activity to another. Sometimes I get so busy and caught up with the stress of everyday that there literally is no let up. One day melds into the next and one deadline into the next. But like the motion of striking a match and lighting the candle, watching the sun melt into the ocean is a sort of call to worship.

My iPod

What I love about my iPod is the ability to be anywhere and be listening to magic right there at that moment. The other day I was zoning out on the train and dug my iPod out of my bag and in seconds I was listening to one of the greatest moments in music history – Judy Garland singing “The Man That Got Away” live at Carnegie Hall sometime in the 60’s. I was enraptured! I mean who needs to sing any other torch song after that one? Has there been another torch song since? It made my ride home beyond bearable it made it magnificent. I almost leaned over to the unknown man across from me to say “listen to this and tell me if this is not heaven!” Of course I would not do that but I should have.

I have all kinds of music on this little goodie from Judy Garland to Oingo Boingo. Mary J Blige to Pink. Frank Sinatra to U2. I downloaded some Corinne Bailey Rea last night and I have to say she is my new favorite. “Put Your Records On” is wonderful, its reminiscent of old school R&B with a dash of Rickie Lee Jones added for good measure. I found some lovely Madeline Peyroux cuts and picked up some Marc Broussard just for the fun of it – nothing like “Home” for a soulful good time.

Nina is juicing my iPod with a wonderful playlist for Halloween mostly classical but really nice. I love my iPod and if you have the means, I highly suggest one! We are off to Target to get more iTunes cards….

The Red Badge of Courage - Continued...

You may remember my mentioning that I had begun a soul-searching journey. A journey that I have taken before but as I approach a certain age I felt it was time to embark once again on an inner trip exploring where I have come from and where it is that I want to go. Well I have been traveling. I promised to send you a post card from time to time….

After coffee one morning with Matt It became apparent that I had really not charted a proper course through the back roads of Self Confidence but rather I had somehow taken a sly shortcut through the path of Self Doubt, Regret and Relying on Others for Approval. So after asking for my husband’s approval in some lame-ass and round about way for the 2 billionth time in this 21-year blissful relationship…I set out for a walk.

I won’t lie the pace was brisk and my temper had the best of me. Angry at him for not giving me the answer of “Oh my dear you are always wonderful!” But incredibly angry with myself for dwelling in such a hovel of self-depreciating behavior for so long. I set out with Nina’s iPod juiced up with her latest Halloween play list of spooky but lovely eerie music. I walked out of the little housing tract of suburbia headed straight down the road for this nature preserve/wooded area.

As I deliberately headed into the woods I felt like a child running away from home. “Ha – see if I come back!” I headed into the thicker part of the woods and it actually got a bit dark even at 8:00 am. I began to regret walking that far and thought to myself surely there must be some folks down on their luck that sleep out there at night and well, with the scary music playing, I began to feel very frightened. Still I walked further and instead of turning and ditching I decided to stay with the feelings of fear.

I took the opportunity to think of all the fearful things in my life. All the times that were frightening, all the episodes that I have imagined in my head that scare me. I walked and thought about everything that could go wrong or that has gone wrong in my life. I began to cry at the thought of all of those possibilities and the memories of all that had passed.

Somewhere between the kaleidoscope shadows of the trees and the eerie music I got the idea that I should leave all the misery there. Just leave those horrible feelings in the woods. It really seemed like the perfect home for my low self-esteem. It would be happy there in the woods with the ground ripening and the occasional breeze that rustled the trees in an uncomfortable and lonely way.

It was about at that moment when I felt a tightening in my throat and a clenching in my chest. I thought – oooh this is not a good place for a heart attack – no one knew I was in there and no one would ever find me! So I began to walk faster and I started coughing very hard. After what was an unverving amount of throat clenching and coughing I realized that this was my decision moment and that I needed to simply tell myself that I was through with looking to others for approval. I told myself that I was through looking at my self as less than what I really am – a very strong, talented and courageous woman that is capable and able to make my own way and that I am proud of where I have come to in my life right now with no regrets.

Absolutely at that moment the clenching and tightening released and I could see the clearing from the trees. I wiped away my tears and headed out into the clearing and climbed up the embankment back on the road and back into suburbia. I walked a way and then turned back to see the thicket of trees where I had left my low self-esteem. It was a beautiful place for all the feelings of being “less than” to reside. It made a perfect home for all of my regrets and doubts. I was free walking along the road. With every step I felt stronger and freer.

I had not noticed when I left that morning feeling angry that I had actually set out with suitcase in hand to deposit these old and tired feelings packed in the case. I had not realized that the anger that fueled my steps was my unwillingness to continue in this way for one day more.

I was back on the road to my life with one less suitcase to carry feeling lighter and much stronger.

Getting to the half-way point...

At the risk of sounding like Bridget Jones:

Pounds Lost – 30! Inches Lost – 10.5!

That is a lot of weight for me to lose and I am very happy that I have made it this far. If I have not been updating this blog it is because I’ve been spending most of my free time trying to get in some exercise. I was walking about 3.5 to 4 miles a day but I have taken to swimming laps with my gal pals and we really like it.

I have had many mornings in my life pondering: "What shall I wear today?" Or more likely, "What fits today!" Now I am finding I have the same problem but this time the clothes are way too big! I have gone down more than 2 sizes and have already given away most of my clothes. It is already time to clean my closet out again!

I have taken to buying a lot of things at Target. I realize that this is not the house of fashion, but I cannot bring myself to spend $60 to $100 on a pair of jeans when I know I will not be in that size next month. Lucky for me it is mostly T-shirts and jeans from Target so I think I can get by like this for a while.

I promise to post a good before and after picture of the real me, but I decided not to dilute the effect with a halfway shot so you will just have to wait. I should reach my goal around the December. Oh, and no, I am not afraid of gaining weight during the holidays. I seem to have found a really nice way to eat for life and I really like the exercise too. I am hoping Santa brings me a beach cruiser bike! I still find ways to work in some of my favorite splurges – just not so much. Nina and I had s'mores over the fire pit last weekend and it was way yummy!

It's hotter n blue blazes in the desert

Crazy I know, but we went to the desert - Palm Desert area to be exact to check on some property. We congratulated my buddy Sylvia on her new home there. She is planning to move out there full time, after she sells her house out here. What will she do in that heat? I get a little panicky when it's 115 degrees and I can not get into the air conditioning! We go to the desert a lot but we are there vacationing - at the pool or the air conditioned movie theater. How do you live a full time life in that heat? Oh well I think she could cook up a cute little cactus get up like this one and not worry about the heat!

Put another candle on my birthday cake!

Saturday was my birthday! I had a wonderful day. It was a bit on the indulgent side. I went on a shopping spree! I went to Macy's and made a significant investment in Clarins skin care - I have always liked their goodies and feel that I deserve it at my new mature age. I bought just about the entire line for my skin type (I have always wanted to do that). I must go back for some magic serum thing that will turn me into a hot 20 year old French girl next month - that was the only thing I did not buy. I then went to J. Jill and bought some really cute goodies on sale - how very prudent of me!

Our family went out for dinner at the Fish House Vera Cruz - which I absolutely adore and I indulged in one (1) glass of chardonnay - how very stringent of me!!!! My best buds Sylvia and Majid showed up to join us as a surprise so the night was very fun. I ate my Jenny Craig birthday cake and was surprisingly satisfied. I have lost 20 lbs - well, just 4 0z shy of that but I always round up when it involves weight loss.

Matt got me an ipod and the kids got me some itune cards so I plan to spend at least part of today getting my music thing set up. I do love the ipod!!! I get really into mundane things like housework and exercising with the ipod. It is also great for art projects!

There is one significant difference to this birthday that I discovered on Friday. Nina and I went to the Del Mar Fair and we were having a grand time when we decided to ride some of the rides. OMG - I realized I am sooooo not 20 any more!!!!! That's it for me I am off the carni-rides for good now. All I did was scream and holler! NO NINA, NO NO NO!!! Well, I am embarrassed to tell you that it took about an hour to recover and for my legs to stop shaking. So, no more carni-rides! I just don't do those things anymore. That is how I know I am getting older, and I am ok with that.

They say time flys when you are having fun...

Really, it didn't seem like that long ago that I was home everyday doing the really important stuff like teaching little people how to walk and talk. My Father would visit us and say "This will slip by so fast Kim, you'd better enjoy it".





This is a picture of Bijan taking his first steps. A little shakey at first but he got the hang of it. Check out those late 80' glasses and the spikey do I was sporting!

Bijan graduated from high school Thursday! It really did slip by fast. We are so proud of him - he is such a wonderful son.