Major Vacation Plans!

We finally did it. We booked our flights to Scotland this weekend! This is a big accomplishment for Matt and me. We are not as spontaneous as I would like us to be. We have been thinking about this trip back and forth. Should we go or should we go next year? There have been lots of things up for us this year and it did not seem like the time to go. However, when I got the news that my sister was thinking of moving home from Scotland, I thought it is now or never. So – off we go. Well, off we go in August.

Scotland is wonderful. I love Edinburgh, which I will certainly visit again. We plan to take some day trips out from Glasgow but we are hoping to go to another spot for a few days – perhaps Amsterdam or London. I was hoping to do Paris but for the amount of time that we are there it is a little tricky with the flight times I have been finding and my hotel points program.

This will be so much fun – the kids are a blast to travel with and we did not go with Matt to Scotland last time so we are very happy that he is going with us this time. Matt and I have not traveled that much – we are work-aholics I think. So I will keep you posted on where we end up deciding to go.

I Was Shocked Yesterday, Sad Today...

Just imagine my shock after calling a friend – this is someone I have worked with off and on for some six years now, only to be told that she had passed away! Not only that – but that she had passed away six months ago!!

I first met Evelyn over the phone when I took a position as an administrative assistant to a VIP. (This job was very much like Devil Wears Prada – but with a man instead of Meryl Streep and he was nicer). He had a massive travel schedule, literally all over the world every week. I had never coordinated such a schedule before – I was in way over my head. I found her name in the rolodex on the desk under Travel so I gave her a call. What I found on the other end of the line was the most caring woman who threw her whole heart into helping me please this boss of mine who was expected to be every where all the time. There was not a day that we did not talk for 3 ½ years straight. We developed a really warm friendship over the phone – not so unusual in our high tech world.

When I left that job I worked for two other companies and continued to call on Evelyn consistently throughout the months into years for all of my travel needs even though making arrangements on the internet is very simple. She was just so much personality and service that if you got stuck somewhere you just knew you were never alone. I think that was her special talent – making you feel as though you had someone who had your back all the time.

When I left the corporate world to open my shop – she called sometimes to check up on me and we would always get to talking about one thing or another. I think we both missed those old hey days of frantic itineraries, last minute flights to the other side of the world and forgetting where we sent my boss or when he was due back! Every time we talked it was like we had talked yesterday and we always felt we would talk again tomorrow.

I called her office yesterday to make some travel plans and I knew something was up when I asked if she was in and I was put on hold for a while. Her associate picked up the phone and told me. I was crushed and doubly so when I learned it happened in September. Of course no one would know to call me. It was not unusual for us to go six months with out talking. After all these years I was no longer one of her main clients. The last time we talked was about eight months ago. I guess it is strange – when someone dies there are all sorts of people that do not know. You can not inform everyone. I really loved this little gal. She was a great person and she helped me more than most people would know. She made me look like a success at dealing with the most stressful part of my job in those days. I feel so sad and I keep thinking I wish I had known. I will miss her.

Has Anyone Seen A Really Fat Toddler?

Because that seems to be what I lost. I mean I have lost 50 lbs and about 31 inches to date. If you think about it, that is about the size of a short round little kid. I prefer to think that it is some loud child screaming in Wal-Mart. Or perhaps some whinny little one that is crabby all the time. However I imagine it – it is gone. It didn’t go easily but it could return easily if I am not vigilant. I have not reached my goal yet but I am so close. I would like to lose about another 10 to 15 pounds but heck that might take another year and I promised a before and after shot. I was going to put one up sooner but I could not get the last bit of weight off. I have been on a plateau for a few months now and I stay within the same 3 lbs no mater what I eat or do so I will just hang in there and keep building muscle.

This is my before picture – that is me in the white blouse. This was taken almost exactly one year ago. I had a lot of fun with my pal Sylvia that day. We do like our margaritas! But I was uncomfortable and I remember that I was worried about my health.

This is me after a year of working out and eating Jenny Craig food. I have to say that I do have the best counselor at JC that anyone could ever wish for. Judy has nurtured me along in such a supportive way. She is very helpful, professional and just a down right wonderful person. She is an important friend to me. And although some think it is an expensive program – it is cheaper than a heart attack and the aftermath of all of that so I am grateful.

I am happy to be healthy and I am surprised that I actually like working out – I even crave it sometimes. I feel very exposed and self-conscious about posting these pictures but I felt it was important for the little journey that I have been on this year. I embarked on a pathway of self discovery and renewal and this task is part of that.

Next post will feature some of the fun new goodies that we got in at Soul of the Rose – or maybe I’ll just write something silly instead.

A Call To Worship...

Sometimes on my way home I take the coast. It is just a small step in trying to break out of the grind. I love pulling off the freeway and refusing to deal with San Diego traffic. It makes the drive longer but the view is worth the length of time it takes. I have to admit that I am blessed to live in such a wonderful place. While most of the country is freezing I am blissfully cruising along the seaside.

There is this wonderful little phenomenon that I witness as I head home on this route. The people that gather each evening to watch the sunset – it’s like a passion. I have an hour long drive going home so I pass through La Jolla, Del Mar, Solana Beach, Cardiff by the Sea, Luecadia and Encinitas until I hit Carlsbad.

Never fail are the people that gather every night, every town and at every stretch to watch the sun go down in all it’s glory. They gather in their cars just as I pass through La Jolla, some sit inside and talk on the phone or read the paper until the magic moments. In Del Mar they gather up along a cliff like edge near the railroad tracks and stare west. All along the coast there are joggers that keep pace along with the sunset. There are different glimpses of the sea and each town has a different manner in which people gather. Some are couples or familes, some with their dogs, but I really like the single people who just stand there and stare. I like the fact that this is an important place for them to be. I like that no matter what has happened that day it seems there is always a collection of people willing to bid farewell to this day and it’s daylight hours. It rained this week and they gathered with umbrellas and coats braving the stormy and threatening waves. They are always there.

They remind me to value the ending of a day and the beginning of a new one. They demonstrate for me the ritual of closing and moving from one activity to another. Sometimes I get so busy and caught up with the stress of everyday that there literally is no let up. One day melds into the next and one deadline into the next. But like the motion of striking a match and lighting the candle, watching the sun melt into the ocean is a sort of call to worship.

My iPod

What I love about my iPod is the ability to be anywhere and be listening to magic right there at that moment. The other day I was zoning out on the train and dug my iPod out of my bag and in seconds I was listening to one of the greatest moments in music history – Judy Garland singing “The Man That Got Away” live at Carnegie Hall sometime in the 60’s. I was enraptured! I mean who needs to sing any other torch song after that one? Has there been another torch song since? It made my ride home beyond bearable it made it magnificent. I almost leaned over to the unknown man across from me to say “listen to this and tell me if this is not heaven!” Of course I would not do that but I should have.

I have all kinds of music on this little goodie from Judy Garland to Oingo Boingo. Mary J Blige to Pink. Frank Sinatra to U2. I downloaded some Corinne Bailey Rea last night and I have to say she is my new favorite. “Put Your Records On” is wonderful, its reminiscent of old school R&B with a dash of Rickie Lee Jones added for good measure. I found some lovely Madeline Peyroux cuts and picked up some Marc Broussard just for the fun of it – nothing like “Home” for a soulful good time.

Nina is juicing my iPod with a wonderful playlist for Halloween mostly classical but really nice. I love my iPod and if you have the means, I highly suggest one! We are off to Target to get more iTunes cards….

The Red Badge of Courage - Continued...

You may remember my mentioning that I had begun a soul-searching journey. A journey that I have taken before but as I approach a certain age I felt it was time to embark once again on an inner trip exploring where I have come from and where it is that I want to go. Well I have been traveling. I promised to send you a post card from time to time….

After coffee one morning with Matt It became apparent that I had really not charted a proper course through the back roads of Self Confidence but rather I had somehow taken a sly shortcut through the path of Self Doubt, Regret and Relying on Others for Approval. So after asking for my husband’s approval in some lame-ass and round about way for the 2 billionth time in this 21-year blissful relationship…I set out for a walk.

I won’t lie the pace was brisk and my temper had the best of me. Angry at him for not giving me the answer of “Oh my dear you are always wonderful!” But incredibly angry with myself for dwelling in such a hovel of self-depreciating behavior for so long. I set out with Nina’s iPod juiced up with her latest Halloween play list of spooky but lovely eerie music. I walked out of the little housing tract of suburbia headed straight down the road for this nature preserve/wooded area.

As I deliberately headed into the woods I felt like a child running away from home. “Ha – see if I come back!” I headed into the thicker part of the woods and it actually got a bit dark even at 8:00 am. I began to regret walking that far and thought to myself surely there must be some folks down on their luck that sleep out there at night and well, with the scary music playing, I began to feel very frightened. Still I walked further and instead of turning and ditching I decided to stay with the feelings of fear.

I took the opportunity to think of all the fearful things in my life. All the times that were frightening, all the episodes that I have imagined in my head that scare me. I walked and thought about everything that could go wrong or that has gone wrong in my life. I began to cry at the thought of all of those possibilities and the memories of all that had passed.

Somewhere between the kaleidoscope shadows of the trees and the eerie music I got the idea that I should leave all the misery there. Just leave those horrible feelings in the woods. It really seemed like the perfect home for my low self-esteem. It would be happy there in the woods with the ground ripening and the occasional breeze that rustled the trees in an uncomfortable and lonely way.

It was about at that moment when I felt a tightening in my throat and a clenching in my chest. I thought – oooh this is not a good place for a heart attack – no one knew I was in there and no one would ever find me! So I began to walk faster and I started coughing very hard. After what was an unverving amount of throat clenching and coughing I realized that this was my decision moment and that I needed to simply tell myself that I was through with looking to others for approval. I told myself that I was through looking at my self as less than what I really am – a very strong, talented and courageous woman that is capable and able to make my own way and that I am proud of where I have come to in my life right now with no regrets.

Absolutely at that moment the clenching and tightening released and I could see the clearing from the trees. I wiped away my tears and headed out into the clearing and climbed up the embankment back on the road and back into suburbia. I walked a way and then turned back to see the thicket of trees where I had left my low self-esteem. It was a beautiful place for all the feelings of being “less than” to reside. It made a perfect home for all of my regrets and doubts. I was free walking along the road. With every step I felt stronger and freer.

I had not noticed when I left that morning feeling angry that I had actually set out with suitcase in hand to deposit these old and tired feelings packed in the case. I had not realized that the anger that fueled my steps was my unwillingness to continue in this way for one day more.

I was back on the road to my life with one less suitcase to carry feeling lighter and much stronger.

Getting to the half-way point...

At the risk of sounding like Bridget Jones:

Pounds Lost – 30! Inches Lost – 10.5!

That is a lot of weight for me to lose and I am very happy that I have made it this far. If I have not been updating this blog it is because I’ve been spending most of my free time trying to get in some exercise. I was walking about 3.5 to 4 miles a day but I have taken to swimming laps with my gal pals and we really like it.

I have had many mornings in my life pondering: "What shall I wear today?" Or more likely, "What fits today!" Now I am finding I have the same problem but this time the clothes are way too big! I have gone down more than 2 sizes and have already given away most of my clothes. It is already time to clean my closet out again!

I have taken to buying a lot of things at Target. I realize that this is not the house of fashion, but I cannot bring myself to spend $60 to $100 on a pair of jeans when I know I will not be in that size next month. Lucky for me it is mostly T-shirts and jeans from Target so I think I can get by like this for a while.

I promise to post a good before and after picture of the real me, but I decided not to dilute the effect with a halfway shot so you will just have to wait. I should reach my goal around the December. Oh, and no, I am not afraid of gaining weight during the holidays. I seem to have found a really nice way to eat for life and I really like the exercise too. I am hoping Santa brings me a beach cruiser bike! I still find ways to work in some of my favorite splurges – just not so much. Nina and I had s'mores over the fire pit last weekend and it was way yummy!